It’s ok to not be ok

The message above is from @commandinglife, a website and Instagram page that shares regular inspirational readings, among other things. Some of these readings have been ringing especially true for me recently. And I don’t believe in coincidences.

More on the June 6th one shortly. For now, here’s another:

 “[H]ave faith in a positive outcome despite what you currently see. Never accept temporary struggle as normal…don’t let worry keep you from expecting your win.”

Hint: I’m a worrier, at least by nature.

And finally:

Why did these reading resonate with me?

I’ve been having a hard time. And I know someone needs to read this to confront their own such difficulty.

It’s hard to admit that’s happening. Often difficult to admit to others. Definitely difficult to admit to casual friends. Even difficult to admit to those friends and family closest to you. And sometimes even difficult to admit to yourself.

In this era of social media envy, related anxiety, and of course FOMO, saying “I’m having a hard time” can be hard. Really fucking hard.

And it’s still necessary.

To say it. To say it out loud. To say it out loud to someone you care about who will listen and support you.

I’m not necessarily talking about a mental health challenge that could result in a diagnosis like depression or clinical anxiety. Those are important things to acknowledge and seek the help of mental health professional, such as a counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist. Been there and done that. It’s a wonderful thing the stigma and misunderstanding around mental illness in our society is steadily breaking down. Going to therapy should be a sign of strength and growth, not shame.

I’m talking more about the perceived mundanity of struggling with the challenges of life. Ground down by a series of events that feel more like one more unrequested or undesired challenge after another. Go talk to a mental health professional about such things they might say, “yeah, you’re definitely having a hard time and we can talk about those things. That’s important. But you don’t have a mental illness.”

That’s where it can be even more difficult to say something. When you’re seriously hard pressed by life yet still functioning, at least on the outside.

The last few years have been an interesting mix for me. Both tremendously hard, painful, and challenging…as well as liberating, restorative, and rewarding. There is a profound mix of good and bad.

But you know what? I’ve still been having a hard time.

I’ve had the love and support of some valuable friends and family. I’ve done some hard work on self-improvement and reflection, including facing up to the loss of many things I once clung to or hoped for.

It has not been easy.

Yes, I might look ok on social media. Some of that is because I refuse to wallow in the negative, which is at times feels like a lot to bear, and insist on living, on enjoying what life still has to offer, and to enjoy New Orleans as long as I can.

The Big Easy is an absolutely fantastic city. A town like no other in the United States. Yet, for all its beauty, history, and charm it is not blessed with a diversified economy. Professional life will in all likelihood take me elsewhere. That journey has been part of the many challenges marking my last couple years.

To the quote from that June 6th reading, I’ve been told “no” a lot on that front.

A. Lot.

Which for someone who thrives on positive feedback has been…interesting.  That’s exactly why this part whacked me upside the head:

“The slowdown kept you delayed avoiding a future misadventure.”

Oh.

Ok, I can deal with that.

This process, and being single, has given me the chance to explore myself in new ways. Who am I? What do I want? What am I truly passionate about? Where do I want to live? How can I maintain balance and serenity amidst troubles and loss? How do I want to contribute to the health and happiness of others in the future? Where can I and where do I want to have an impact?

Those have been immensely helpful questions to sort out, while the series of delays in pursuing other possible landing spots I perceived to be desirable or good forced me to answer those questions in a wide variety of ways.

Amidst it all I’ve been fortified physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually by yoga. Supported by daily and weekly routines that prioritize wellness and staying grounded. Enhanced by reading more, listening to more podcasts, journaling, engaging in some serious, structured self-improvement, and talking things out with some trusted people I care about.

Today my life is a mix of profoundly stressful circumstances…and a great deal of peace and contentment that it will all work out. It might not be the way I would have written the story, but it will still be a good tale.

I’m not doing well. And yet I am. That’s ok. That’s what life has to offer right now as one chapter comes to end and the page is ready to turn.

If that’s you, in anyway, know you’re not alone. You’re understood. And I, for one, will listen to you. Because I know what it’s like to have a hard time.

Are you feeling beaten down and disappointed by life? Feeling frustrated and challenged because things aren’t going as expected, let alone as you might wish?

I know the feeling.

Better days are coming.